When have I been sane?
by AriaGS
Summary: How did Doctor Harleen Quinzel go insane? The Joker did most of the work, but to listen to a man like him... she must not have been completely sane. This is my version of the story, yes I will try to follow canon but I'm giving it my personal touch and explanations, this will explore Harley Quinn's life before the Joker in flashbacks as the Clown is assigned to her.
1. Chapter 1

They say everyone has a crazy bit inside of them, we all handle it in our own ways, however some prefer to allow it go wild. Harleen wasn't like that, no, Dr Harleen Quinzel was a psychiatrist, a very good one in fact, even at her young age she was one of the most prestigious doctors in Arkham Asylum, which dealed with the worst of psychopaths in Gotham. Shehad handled a lot of patients and cured them, what made her such a good Doctor was her personal technic. She didn't judge them not matter what they had done, Harleen listened them as if they were good friends having a normal conversation, she made everyone feel comfortable enough to open up and be completely honest about their reasons for acting the way they did, then she worked out a way of making them change at their own pace. She had heard so much that deep inside she didn't label them as criminals but as victims of their own circumstances, of course she never told this to anyone.

Usually she made all of her patients talk about their childhood, after all the formative part of growing up is the most important one, it will most likely mark you forever. Believe it or not she hadn't had a pretty time growing up. Being the second daughter of 3 children her parents rarely payed attention to her and always compared Harleen to her older and perfect genius sister with a bright future or to her younger brother with his chance at sports.

"Mom! I got the best grades in my class!" She would announce excitedly waiting for a hug or even eye contact

"Well you are supposed to, why do you think we pay for your education?" Mother would snap while her sister giggled with superiority

"Dad!" She would call him "I won a gold medal in gymnastics, my coach says I could even compete in the international category"

"Harleen, I'm only financing your brother, he's got an actual sport career to pursue, as for gymnastics...what are you supposed to do with that? Join a circus? Go study and make yourself useful"

"I can get a scholarship it's a real thing I-"

He interrupted her not actually paying attention "You'll starve, that won't produce money"

The day she finally gave up on her dream of becoming a gymnast was when behind her parents back she had submitted an application to a very good school, her brother had seen her and had told his parents, her mother had slapped her so hard she had fallen on the kitchen floor, then her dad took off his belt and started to whip her back

"STOP" She screamed in pain

"IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD HARLEEN" Her mother had yelled over her cries

"We do this because we love you" his father added

Love, maybe this was the only way she would receive it, as a punishment instead of a gift, they made her believe she deserved this.

She had ripped all of her posters and curled up in a ball on her bed. Her father had gone into her room and sat next to her, even though he was violent with her she felt loved by him, even safe, her mother didn't love her, at least her father was there.

"Harley" he called

She sat up and wiped her tears, he was the only one who would call her like that, she liked it and had asked her family for them to use that nickname but her mother had laughed at the idea.

"The world is an unfair place Harley" he began saying "all we can do is survive even if it means giving up our dreams, but you have to promise me something"

She nodded and he continued this time looking directly into her eyes "Don't let anyone see you suffer or they will take advantage of it and crush you"

"I promise"

Those last words had meant the world to her, it was her life motto, her fuel, so when her siblings or classmates made fun of her she would remain peaceful and go into another place inside her mind, she created her own happy place where she could run around and be herself, only her and her friend, a little voice she called conscience.

"Harleen?" A voice woke her from the flashbacks

She looked up from her desk to see her friend Dr. Jennifer Olsen, a fellow psychiatrist

"Hi Jen" she greeted her

"Sorry to bother you"

"Oh don't worry, I wasn't doing anything, what is it?"

She closed the door behind her "Haven't you heard?"

Harleen frowned "about what?"

"They caught the Joker, well Batman did"

"Ah" she said, to be honest she wasn't a fan of catching up with what criminals did but she did know about the Joker and Batman, from what she heard of most people there they were both hated by everyone. Surely the Joker will rot in a prison cell

"Don't you know what it means?" Jennifer insisted

"Not really"

Her friend sighed "He's nuts Harl, they'll send him here"

Oh, now it made sense "Well I surely would want to have a few sessions with him, honestly I don't think he's insane, I see him more like a terrorist with a weird clown obsession, he must be very interesting though..."

Jennifer laughed"We'll see about that, I'm pretty sure they are going to assign you for him"

"Oh I doubt it, Dr Arkham will say I don't have enough experience"

"Just a feeling" Jennifer said as she opened the door

"Oh really? What else does that feeling tell you?" Harleen teased

"That you are insane for actually wanting to treat him"

Dr Quinzel laughed, if only she had taken that joke as a warning...

The day her father dies she was 18, she remembered standing in front of his grave, not a single tear on her porcelain face. She would make him proud, she would survive, so she decided to study psychology, and to her surprise she liked it, and at nights she would sneak inside a gym to practice her gymnastics, she bad flirted with the owner one day and had "borrowed" one of his set of keys, but it's not like she was doing any bad to anyone, besides it was his fault for having got drunk!

Harleen rarely talked to her family, somehow she always seemed to disappoint her mother even when she was the most successful one! Her sister has gotten pregnant before she finished her career and now lived outside the city with her children while her husband worked in a crappy place, as for her brother he got hurt so bad that he wasn't able to ever do sports again. Yet Harleen had never made any comment on that, she didn't like bullies so she wasn't becoming one. She had what she wanted, a job she liked, a beautiful apartment and friends but somehow she felt incomplete...even fake. Her best friend betrayed her at nights

 _You are not worth anything_ , her conscience said

 _Not loved by anyone_

 _Scum_

She'd wake up in the middle of the night covered with sweat

"Harleyyyyy" it whispered

"Leave me alone!" She would shout covering her ears until it hurt

Since she had worked in the Asylum this happened more and more often, the weak voice in the nightmares. In Arkham even psychiatrists had psychologists! But she had never agreed to receive help or even ask for it, because she feared she might not be completely sane, maybe she was going crazy in a small and real slow way . Dr Harleen Quinzel was not allowing that so she concealed it deep inside her mind, as if she placed everything in a box and locked it in a cabin alongside her broken dreams and her explosive personality which didn't suit someone so formal like Doctor Quinzel, yep that box was never going to take control over her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day she arrived to work, security had been duplicated, the police stood in a line that led to a high security cell.

Harleen had no idea of what was going on until she heard his laugh, a chill travelled down her spine and filled her with fear.

"Dr Quinzel" a voice called her

She turned to see Dr Arkham, he motioned his finger for her to follow him to his office, she obeyed not before trying to catch a glimpse of the Clown Prince.

"Please sit" he told her behind his desk

She obeyed and gulped, even though she had been working there for a while he still made hee feel nervous, all Dr Arkham did was try to humiliate her by implying she couldn't be actually intelligent because of her pretty face, he had even once told her she couldn't be taken professionally serious.

"Is there something wrong Dr Arkham?"

The man frowned "No, but as you might have noticed we have a new patient" she nodded and he continued "since you have made a progress with former patients I have assigned you to treat him; unless of course, you feel incapable of doing so"

Harleen opened her mouth in shock, this was a golden opportunity! "Of course!" She almost yelled making him raise his eyebrows, she apologized "I'm sorry it's just that I would very much like for him to be my patient"

"Good" he muttered "no one else would take him"

The comment was meant to make her feel bad but she didn't care, not even in her wildest dreams she would have thought of the chance to treat such a character, her imagination went in all different directions; she could picture herself curing the Joker, learning his secrets, being praised by everyone, finally hearing an apology from her boss or even better! A call from her mother congratulating her. She would make her father proud.

Before she could leave the office he warned her to be careful with him but she didn't listen.

Tomorrow she would start her sessions with him so she started working in her office on her plan to treat him and possibly cure him.

When she arrived home it was about midnight so she quickly prepared for bed, it was until then that she realized her window was open, as much as Harleen tried to remember she couldn't picture herself opening it but since it didn't look like anyone had taken anything she didn't pay mind to it and went to sleep.

"Harley.."

She woke up immediately, a thin layer of sweat covered her body, another nightmare...

She wasn't going to be able to keep sleeping so she started getting ready for work, before leaving she went to the mirror and said to her reflection "You can do this Harleen"

Xxx

Two guards came to her office to escort her to the Joker's cell, she hadn't said a thing until they were just outside

"What you mean you are coming in with me?!" She yelled

"Miss he is really dangerous we cannot just let you walk in without protection" one guard tried to explain

"Well I don't care what you think, I'm gonna walk in there by myself. It's a confidential session between doctor and patient, it ain't gonna be different, as far as I know you could be eavesdropping" she replied, when she started to get angry her not so elegant expressions and accent took over her vocabulary.

The other guard cleared his throat "Very well doctor, just allow us to accompany in so we can verify that everything in under control, then we'll leave"

She finally agreed and they opened the cell, it was darker and larger than what she was used to see, the bed was in one corner and in the middle there was a table with two chairs, sitting on one was the Joker himself grinning at her

"Hello there" he greeted

"Good morning" she answered sounding perfectly confident, when deep inside her legs felt like they were about to stop working. Harleen cleared her throat and looked at the guards "You can leave us now"

One obeyed while the other lingered "He is full of tricks Miss, are you sure?"

She nodded "He's tightened up, I think we're fine"

Once she was alone with the Joker she took a seat and placed her files and notebook on the table.

"I am Doctor Harleen Quinzel" she introduced herself with a warm smile "I will be your psychiatrist"

He nodded cheerfully "Sounds good to me"

This was easier than she had thought, "In difference with other doctors I like to make a special bond with my patients, everything you tell me will stay between us and I will try to make you as comfortable as I can. I would really like you to see me as a friend more than a doctor"

He smiled kindly "Sure, sure I hope you also feel comfortable with me"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well" he looked down "even in here the walls are thin and I heard a lot of doctors wanted to treat me"

"Well I do" she reassured him smiling "we can make a lot of progress if we work together"

He looked up shyly "Oh thank you so much Doctor Quinzel, after everything that has happened all I truly want is to be cured"

The woman felt excitement "and I'll do everything I can to help you... what can I call you?"

The man did a concentration face "Unless you don't want to call me Joker I think Mr. J is fine"

"Well then Mr.J you can call me Harleen"

A smirk appeared on his pale face "Harleen sounds too formal, don't you think? Could I call you Harley?"

She froze for a second, the only ones that had called her like that were her father and...her conscience.

"Sure" she finally said "whatever you like"

The Joker grinned "Oh if I could call you however I would like I would choose Gorgeous"

Harleen blushed but tried to cover it up by looking at her notebook "I think Harley is fine"

Then he laughed, giving her goosebumps. "Tell me Harley" he started saying "do you have a lot of friends?"

"Not really" she answered

"Well, you just got one"

 **AN: This is the first time they met, yes he will seduce her but he's very smart so I don't think he accomplished it by two sessions.**


	3. Chapter 3

"What can you tell me about your family Mr J?"

"You mean my gang?"

Harleen put her notebook down and looked at him, his grin had disappeared

"Mr J?" She called

He looked directly into her eyes, and she could swear seeing a spark on his. "You really want to know about my parents?"

She smiled kindly "Please"

He cleared his throat and began while she prepared to write down notes "You see Harley, I didn't have a childhood, I would call it a blur of pain" he sighed "you wouldn't understand, my father, he used to beat the hell out of me..."

Harleen's expression softened, in all the expedients she had read about him, he had said anything about his past, she was deeply moved, he trusted her and she wasn't going to lose his trust.

"I do understand you" she said

His gaze went from the floor to her blue eyes "really?"

The blonde nodded "I didn't have a happy childhood either"

He looked extremely offended "Adults, thinking they can do whatever they want to their children" his gaze darkened "I can't even pronounce the atrocities I was put through by him"

Harleen felt bad for him, she might be approaching the roots of all his problems "How did you feel about your father?"

He laughed "I wanted to kill him" This time it didn't creep her out but be noticed she was clearly uncomfortable "Sorry Pumpkin, you must think I'm crazy"

"Do you consider yourself not to be?" She asked preparing her notebook and pen

He leaned back on his chair "I consider myself a free person"

She wrote it down "Do you mean like an anarchist?"

The Joker laughed hysterically "Oh dear Harley you've watched too much television"

She frowned "Could you please explain me why Mistah J?"

He sat up properly "What do we have here? A little accent?"

She cleared her throat, sometimes her street accent came out to the light when she was nervous "I'm sorry -"

He cut her off "There's nothing to apologize for Pumpkin, I think it's lovely, and to answer your question, the media messes with people's minds telling them what to think, what to do, even who to fear. They call me a criminal and treat Batman as a hero" the last he said full of anger

Harleen tried again "And the robbery and murder you are accused of, is that freedom?"

The Joker resisted the urge to get up and hit her for disrespecting him, he had to stick to the plan so he became serious "What I do is towards the oppressors of the city, that is the scum I'm going after, to those that feel superior and treat us like garbage, to the people that make the rules and force everyone into following them, to people that abuse the innocent, the ones that beat their children for entertainment, or that could choke on money and still fight for more, the ones that don't let you use your full potential and make fun of your accent, I am against them, they make me sick. All I want is to see everyone laughing and being free ... is that an enough explanation?" with each word she leaned back on her chair, he had some Aura of authority when he spoke that she felt stupid for having asked

"Yes" she whispered

"Now tell me Harley, what kind are you?"

She started shaking "What?"

His eyes pierced hers, "Are you free or are you an oppressor?"

She became speechless, for once in all of her time as a psychiatrist she didn't know what to say to a patient, the little voice in her head accused her of being an oppressor while her rational thinking told her not to listen to a terrorist like him, but she couldn't call him like that anymore, he had a point.

"Harley?" He called impatient

She opened her mouth and quickly closed it

Suddenly he yelled and she stood up alarmed "ANSWER ME!"

The guards entered the cell and before she could say anything one pulled her puts while the other started to punch him

"What are you doing?! Stop!" She yelled at the guard "Leave him alone! We were talking, we were only talking! DON'T TOUCH ME!" with that she hit the guard that was pulling her outside and she pushed the other one away from the Joker who was laughing like a maniac

"Miss!" The guard yelled at her "What do you think you're doing?!"

She was furious "He didn't do anything wrong! We were only talking! Is that how you treat people? Hitting them without them being able to defend themselves?! I want to talk to your superior!"

"But he is the Joker! We have orders and permission to use force against him if he does any of his tricks!"

"But he didn't! He was only talking! And I'm not allowing anyone to hurt my patients, even if it's the Joker!"

The man grit his teeth "As you wish Doctor Quinzel" and with that he and the other one left

She fixed her coat and turned to the Joker, his eye was turning black from the punch

"Are you alright?" She asked

He stopped laughing and smiled pleased at her "Never been better"

Harleen nodded and picked her things up "I'll see you next session" she announced

He laughed and before she reached the door he called her

"Harley"

She turned and he grinned "I am going to free you"

Xxx

Dr Arkham had interrogated her about the session but she had told him there was nothing to worry about and that she hadn't learned anything new from him, Harleen knew she was lying but it was too soon to say anything, besides she didn't want the Joker to stop trusting her.

Once she arrived back to her apartment she did a little research and found that when the Joker's gang attacked they didn't directly go to innocent people, yes, some did died but it had been because of bad luck on where they were.

She took out her notebook with her writing on the patients she treated and used to treat, it was full of extensive notes on each of them but below the Joker's name there were only two words: "free man"


End file.
